It feels as though I have been going full speed for days but I am finally taking a breath on this windy Sunday afternoon. I am finally re united with some of my most sentimental treasures but best of all I have my own pillow and my own sheets and some of my own friggin' towels. I was a little appalled at how attached I appear to be to linens but acknowledge it is more about the sense of security that comes with it. (I can't help but think Linus run amok here) The nomad lifestyle I am enjoying now won't last forever and as far as that goes I am quite blessed with how it is working out so far. I have been welcomed into home where I was wrapped in love unti I could venture forth or back into my own life. And now I have an opportunity to live by myself for 4 months and see who and how I am in the world in a semi autonomous existence. Seems I am getting the opportunities and gifts I need when I need them and now have my own pillow too so really what more could I ask for?

It has been a few weeks since I last visited Live journal.  In many ways I think I am a completely different character from the person who made the previous entries.   I have been reading handout after handout about feminist theology and leadership in preparation for a course I will be taking in about a month.  Actually less than a month. (Yikes!)  If I have learned anything from these readings it is about the poison of complacency.   There really is not a lot of new information in the readings but the context in which it is presented and the expected outcome of integrating the information into acceptable, empowering behaviours has given me a bit of a wakeup call.  Suddenly I feel like I am different but really, I think I am finally accepting the challenge to be a woman empowered and empowering.  (Yeah, I expect more process on this in the near future...)

In absolute contrast with that insight, I spent last evening recognizing how much What I felt like my 18^th birthday was so much like what I felt last evening,  2 nights after my 42^nd birthday.   Once again in transition I struggled with the decision of where I would spend the night – the house where I am cat sitting or the house I will be going to at the end of the week to house sit for 4 months.   As for my own house – I don’t live there anymore.  I felt a little lost and sad.  Not so much because of my current circumstance more because of how acutely I remember the 18 year-old sitting on the steps of the church she and her grandfather used to go too trying to decide if she should go to the apartment she would be moving into with her mother or if she should go back to the rooming house.   I remembered how I had no clue how I would support her and go to school but I was determined I would graduate high school.  It was only a few more months. ..  To this day I am not so sure how I pulled that off but I did.

So last night when I was feeling sad about being in transition still or again or in transition within transition, I just let it be.  It seems as if this transition period is interminable but really it will end eventually and I will be okay in the end.   And finally, finally, I understand that I don’t need to put all the pieces together today.  Some of them are still missing... and that is the joy of surprise.

It’s funny how when you take a look at what you are doing

The amount of time you spend doing it

And where it really fits in the big picture

How there is a need to break out of that rhythm.

The white noise

The outside issues

The opinions

All circling like vultures.

The calendar it full

The days are long

And the nights are short

It’s time for me

Time for me

To think again of me.

A little something to fill me up

And help me soar to that place Ive come love

Where I am the woman I’ve never known.

And a woman I could befriend.
 

Tomorrow is Good Friday, one of my favorite days of the year.  It has long been my habit to come to the church where I work and worship with that community on Good Friday.   This year though, I will not be worshipping with that community. This year I will cede the space to my ex as it will be the last time her church community gathers on Good Friday. (Usually there are 4 church congregations, one of which is hers,  that have a combined service.). I’m saddened and a little annoyed that I agreed to cede the space but on the other hand it is so symbolic of the changes that are at my fingertips.  Growth opportunities as I like to call them.  It is also, solid recognition of how separation is not just moving out and moving on but also about responsible and conscious choices about division of everything.   

Tomorrow, I will start a new tradition, or I won’t but I will go to a Good Friday Service and then I will celebrate Easter and that is what is important. 

And the day in the middle – I will celebrate my friend’s birthday even though she is very far away.  Happy Birthday B!

It’s a Friday afternoon and the rain that is meant to roll off the roof is coming in through the roof.  I’m tired and I want to go home but sadly I will wait for the roofer instead.

I have completed my second week back to work and have to say, I may have missed a couple of cues about taking it a easy upon my return.  On the upside, the surgery did not in any way affect nor did it have any influence on my inability to take direction from, or listen to my friends.  ahhhhh…  It is in these moments that I can see exactly how I am like my mother.